Thursday, May 9, 2013
Sleeping With My Rapist - Chapter Twenty Two
When I turned around to hand Miggy the toy but he wasn't there anymore. Luminga ako sa paligid, wala na ang bata. Nilapitan ko ang isang staff na nakatayo malapit sa pinto ng toy store.
"Excuse me. Have you seen a boy around here with blonde hair about this tall?" I pointed at the side of my hips.
"Yes, sir. Kaaalis lang niya kasama ang isang babae." Sagot nito.
"Sa tingin mo kilala niya yung babaeng yun?"
"Opo sir, narinig kong tinawag niyang yaya yung kasama niya."
I felt relieved. But I also felt this vague sense of sadness. Hindi ko maipaliwanag ang nararamdaman ko. Something about that young man really got under my skin. Siguro masyado lang akong naeexcite magkaron ng anak. Ilang buwan na lang magiging daddy na ko. Napangiti ako. I imagine myself coming home from work and Cassie and the kids running to greet me at the door. Nawala ang ngiting yun ng maalala ko na naman ang problema ko kay Cassie. Tuwing nakikita ko siya nasasaktan ako. What could I say or do to make her love me back?
Wala pa si Nick nang makauwi ako sa mansyon niya galing sa bahay ko. Miggy was still upset but I promised to take him to the toy store tomorrow. We did our regular routine. I read him a book until he fell asleep. And then I left.
Narinig ko na ang kotse ni Nick. I was waiting for him so we could have dinner together. Nagkunwari akong nagbabasa ng magazine sa living room. I pretended like I was not waiting for him. Bumukas ang pinto at napatingin ako doon.
"Have you eaten dinner yet?" Tanong niya.
"No, not yet." Sagot ko. Ibinaba ko ang magazine.
"Let's have dinner then." Aya niya.
Tumayo ako at sinundan ko siya sa dining room. It was so awkwardly quiet while we were eating. He didn't say a word and I can't think of anything to say. Pagkatapos kumain umakyat na siya sa kwarto niya at pumunta na rin ako sa kwarto ko. We just got married and here we us, avoiding each other again. Para kaming hindi magkakilala pero nakatira sa iisang bubong. This is pure torture.
It went on for days. Araw-araw ganito kami. We'd ignore each others presence. Kahit na sabay kaming nagdidinner at breakfast. Dumating ang araw ng unang chemotherapy ni Miggy. I was so scared. So so scared. I've heard and read about the side effects of chemotherapy. I don't want my son to go through all those pain pero alam kong kailangan, yun lang ang paraan para gumaling siya.
"Ma, will it hurt?" Tanong ni Miggy habang nasa taxi kami papunta sa ospital.
"I- I don't know." Basag ang boses na sagot ko. "But I know you're strong. Kaya mo yun di ba?"
He just nodded his head. He looked a bit nervous. Nang makarating kami sa ospital kinuhanan muna siya ng blood test at dinala kami sa isang kwarto. Pinaupos niya si Miggy sa isang incliner chair at tinurukan ng IV chemotherapy. Kailangan ubusin ang isang bag na iyon.
"Doc ,what can I expect in terms of how he will feel right after chemo and how can I best help him?" Tanong ko sa doctor niya.
"Mahirap sagutin yan. It's different for everyone. Usually the day of the treatment he will feel ok just tired, the side effects usually hits about 2 to 3 days, then he'll start to get better. We will give him medicine para hindi masyadong malala ang side effects." Sabi ng doktor.
"Thank you, doc."
"Kung may gusto ka pang gustong malaman feel free to ask me." Sabi nito.
After staying for several hours at the hospital sinabi ng doctor na pwede na kaming makauwi. Miggy was so tired that I had to carry him. Pagkarating sa bahay ibinaba ko siya sa kama niya. Kung pwede lang ako sumalo lahat ng sakit niya. Simula pa lang ito. We have a long way to go. Karma ko na yata ito. When I was pregnant with Miggy I had thought about aborting him, I was only 17 and I was afraid to tell my parents. Wala pa akong maipapakilalang ama sa ipinagbubuntis ko. I thought abortion would be an easy way out. Pero hindi ko kayang gawin iyon, I felt guilty for even thinking about it. I confessed to my parents that I'm pregnant. Sabi ko tinakbuhan ako ng ama ng ipinagbubuntis ko. Mom cried and my dad was so furious. Pero nang tumaggal natanggap na din nila ang pagbubuntis ko. They were so happy when Miggy was born. I was so happy too the first time I saw his hazel eyes. Nawala ang galit ko kay Nick, I thought if that never happened I wouldn't have Miggy. My son is the best thing that ever happened to me. Ayokong mawala sa akin ang anak ko. Please God, don't take him away from me.
I kissed him good night. Kahit na ayokong umalis kailangan kong umuwi kay Nick. Alam kong aalagaan naman siya ni Rita ng mabuti kahit wala ako. I cried myself to sleep that night. Mahirap para sa isang ina na makitang nagkakaganon ang anak niya. Katulad ng sabi ng doktor lumabas na ang side effect ng chemotherapy treatment pagkatapos ng ilang araw. He was always asleep. He was very ill and he couldn't get out of bed. Palagi din siyang nagsusuka. I felt really helpless habang pinanonood ko siyang naghihirap at wala man lang akong nagagawa. Sana pwede kong saluhin lahat ng nararamdaman ng anak ko. Ako na lang sana. I am trying to be strong in front of him para sa kanya. Pero kapag bumabalik ako sa mansyon ni Nick doon ko inilalabas ang lahat ng luha ko. I break down and cry in my room.
Nang mag gabi na bumalik na ulit ako sa mansyon. Katulad ng ibang mga araw hinintay kong umuwi si Nick. We had our quiet dinner and finished it.
"Nick..." Tawag ko sa kanya ng aktong aakyat na siya sa kwarto niya.
Humarap siya sa akin. "Yes?"
"Please sleep with me tonight. I need you." Sabi ko. It would be nice to have someone beside me tonight. Gusto ko lang na may kasama ako ngayon. I am so depressed and stressed and anxious and tired. And I kept it all bottled up inside me. I feel like I'm going to explode.
"Sure." Agad na sagot nito.
He went to my room after changing into his pajama. Umupo siya sa gilid ng kama. Nilapitan ko siya at niyakap mula sa likuran niya. I started kissing his neck. I heard him gasp, he was obviously taken aback by my aggressiveness. I need an emotional release.
Hinubad ko ang pajama top niya. Humarap siya sa akin at sinimulang halikan ako. Pumaibabaw siya sa akin at itinaas ang sleep dress ko. His hand caught my breast and fondled it.
"I miss this, Cassie..." He groaned. He started to suck my right breast while his hand played the other one. Napasabunot ako sa buhok niya ng sipsipin niya iyon. He sucked it hard. Bumaba ang isa niyang kamay. He pulled down my panties and cupped my womanhood. He traced my slit. Up and down, teasing me. Immediately that familiar heat raced through my body.
"Please, Nick..." I moaned.
He rubbed my clit slowly at first. Hanggang sa bumilis ito. I can feel pleasure sweeping all over me. Ipinasok niya ang daliri niya sa pagkababae ko. His two fingers pumping in and out of me as his thumb rubs my clit.I was so closed to coming when he stopped.
"Please keep going." Pagmamakaawa ko.
"Patience, baby." Tumaas ang isang sulok ng labi niya. Ibinaba niya ang pajama niya. He spread my legs wider and positioned his shaft over my wet womanhood. Hinatak niya ang bewang ko sa at ipinulupot ang mga hita ko sa bewang niya. Ipinasok niya ang pagkalalaki niya sa akin. I could feel him deep inside me. He started thrusting in and our of me. I felt my back raised up in an arch. Inilagay niya ang dalawang kamay niya sa likod ko at hinatak ako paupo. Now, I'm sitting on top of him. Hinalikan niya ako at ipinasok ang dila sa loob ng bibig ko. He played with my tongue and sucked it. I continued moving as we kiss. I felt a pool of heat coming from my core. Ipinulupot ko ang bisig ko sa leeg niya. Niyakap ko siya ng mahigpit. His arms wrapped around my waist. My heart was racing so fast. I shivered, feeling a huge jolt of electricity throughout my body. My walls tightened and I let it out. I began crying. My shoulders were shaking and I was sobbing uncontrollably.
"Cassie?" Inilayo niya ako mula sa pagkayakap sa kanya at tinitigan ang mukha ko. Yumuko ako para hindi niya makita. Itinaas niya ang mukha ko. He gently kissed my tears. "What's wrong, baby?"
Umiling ako habang patuloy na umiiyak. I can't tell him. I just want him by my side. Hindi ko maintindihan ang nararamdaman ko. I was so overwhelmed with all this emotions inside me that I started to cry.
"Tell me." Sabi niya.
"Nothing." Paggalit na sagot ko.
"Hindi mo naman kailangan gawin ito kung pagsisisihan mo lang din." Nakasimangot na sabi nito. He got up and picked up his clothes. Isinuot niya iyon.
"Nick!" Tawag ko sa kanya. Hindi niya ako pinansin. Lumabas siya ng kwarto at padabog na isinara ang pinto.
Napahiga ako at napahagulgol. I curled up in a fetal position and hugged myself.
at May 09, 2013